Lina Pilgrim

I feel like crap today. I feel a little satisfied with myself though, because, yesterday, I actually studied what I was supposed to. I've e-mailed my teacher about the following assignment, and I have all the books I need to read. School is going fine, and I am not feeling any negative pressure. 

There is often, or rather, always something I do. I wander around, feeling incomplete, frustrated and disappointed, with myself. Maybe it is just the situation in general. Because, I don't really write and draw as much as I would like, but that is... I have TIME! But I am like an air-head sitting in front of the TV while browsing on my Macbook... while I've actually could've done something constructive, which will make meaning out of my existence and give real reason to my life alone. I say alone, as I do have reason and meaning because of my boyfriend and dogs. But I want to accomplish something that is just for myself, something that is only about me, a clear real expression of my existence and being. 

Have you ever felt like you have several different levels of beliefs? On one level, I believe that I will live and die, rotting in the ground, with no meaning at all... just being one with the natural circle of life and death. On another level, I believe that I have lived before, several times actually, and this life is just one of them. I need to use my time in this life to learn something for the next, but what meaning this reincarnation through different eras is actually about, I have NO idea. And, on another level, I feel like... there is no life or death, because we can't really know that we do exist from the beginning. Atoms is 99% empty space, right? So nothing we do actually matters, that is life, but before you get all gloomy and get overwhelmed by a suffocating feeling of nothingness, just think about what really matters to you. You won't feel anything from getting what only matters for somebody else, and not you... so really, in which meaning do we think that what we do doesn't matter? 

I am not talking about consequences in life. We know that if we smash a hammer into our heads, we will get hurt, duh. But I've heard some people saying that nothing matters because someday... we... die? What kind of bullshit is that? I would rather feel like nothing would matter if I would live forever, as I could get as many chances as there is stars in the universe. It's weird, as these people think in a general way... like, they're life would not matter because they couldn't change the world, or because they can't live to experience what their life has meant to the future? 

Gah... my head hurts... I need to drink some more coffee. 

Sweet lord of the skulls muscular anatomy, have mercy on my tendons!!