Lina Pilgrim

Hi...

Easter is on its way and I have many ideas as usual. I feel like so much of my creativity becomes lost between what I want and need. I feel like I am watching television nonstop, or hangs on facebook... sometimes both at the same time. I do draw and write occasionally, and study too. I do wonder why I waste so much time but I'm often reminded of how tired I am. I think about doing something creative, but then realise how tired I am... to just drift away mentally in front of the TV. 

But then again, I have always loved to drift away in stories and gain experience through fictional characters. It is a little odd how much experience we do get from fiction, and it is even odder when you realise it is valid experience - which you actually can use in daily life or in difficult situations. Facebook is very appealing, because of the social feeling, but that is quite fictional too in its own way. I read in a sociology-book and I think it might have been Fiske or Bordieu who said that we live in a society which evolves around daydreams. That is true. I have called myself an escapist ever since I learned the phrase in a psychology-class. Dreams are good, fantasies are even better, but some of them are just saddening if they never come true. 

In my case, it is the small daydreams which are saddening me. I wish I would create more and try out those new hobbies I've been thinking about, but every single time - I'm too tired. I know I am not alone in this, but what is it that makes us so damn tired? In really difficult situations you gain power to survive, but as soon the body and mind realise you don't need to hang on the edge of survival anymore... you become exhausted. It is exhausting that I am not in a difficult situation, but at the same time not in a calm and balanced place either. I am somewhere in the middle of between. 

It has happened a lot, moving out, experiencing all of the mental changes and the recent death of my dog, which was very sudden and traumatic. I have begun to have really twisted nightmares again too. So I guess I am not getting real sleep either. So what is there to do? My first step is to buy healthy snacks and food, eat regurlary so my bloodsugar stays balanced, and to start exercising again. I have a hard time keeping a regular bedtime, so I need to fix that too. These are the changes I need to do so I can make my daydreams come true, and that will give me relief to get mentally balanced.

It is what I would like to believe but at the same time... it feels like I would need something more than just ordinary changes. Years and years of complex problems may need years and years of complex solutions. I won't let that saddening me though... that would be wrong *ahem*. 

Peace Out